G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA

I have to take a break from coloring , let alone discussing coloring or color itself.
Why? So I can share my review of G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA film.

!! WARNING !! Spoilers are found below. If you have not yet seen the film and plan on doing so, do not read this review... that is unless you want to know more about it.


Okay here we go:

The short review is : What the heck were they thinking? The long rewiew is below.

I personally think G.I. Joe without a subtitle would have better served the film. After all the title implies that there is some kind of uprising of the COBRA organization. Only to find out nearly 99% has nothing to do with Cobra, but instead revolves around Destro's company: M.A.R.S . I find the concept completely absurd. after all when onethinks of G.I. Joe, you automatically think of the Joes VS Cobra, not an inanimate object such as a nano-warhead.You can't even say they were fighting Destro himself, heck he only physically shows up for a few brief scenes,prior to that he only appears as a hologram.


I do not know who to blame more for this film's failure. Was it the fault of Paramount or Hasbro? one this is clear however, that neither of them did any kind of moderation of the film's production. The other clear thing is that, not as much a single person involved in this film's making read or watched anything related to G.I. Joe. They never read the comics, they never watched the cartoon, I almost certain they just took the names of the series and characters because they thought it would be cool.


The film is full of explosions, many occur for no reason other than eye candy. One would only assume that the director Stephen Sommers had attended Michael Bay's school of directing. I understand that deep down this is atwo hour toy commercial, but that didn't stop the cartoon or comics from having fantastic story telling. As a matter of fact; both the comics and animated series went beyond selling toys, it seemed like they actually cared about the fans and wanted to tell great stories.


There is nothing about this movie, that makes me proud to be a fan of the franchise. I never once laughed at any ofthe jokes, nor felt remorse for people injured or hurt. Why, you would ask? Well, it's because I was no emotionallyinvested in the characters. I felt nothing for them. I can't say the same for the comics and cartoon. I, even to thisday shed a tear while watching the original animated movie. I felt bad for duke when he was injured. No so with this film. Instead, I was looking forward to something bad to happen to the main characters.


By far my biggest complaint next to the "Accelerator Suits" is with Cobra itself, the film is rise of cobra, but not once do they follow the original story of its creation. they weren't super soldiers created with nanites, Cobra Commander..er Rex, wasn't even a scientist. He sold cars, bottom line. The entire concept was that he was tired of the big guys having it out for the little guy and wanted to take charge. People joined his cause because of his speeches not nanites. Why are they called vipers, yet not one of them wear a cobra emblem on them? They sure is heck wear mock Destro masks. The second biggest problem.. Cobra Commander isn’t really in the movie. Some shmuck named Rex is, then some guys wearing a unusual breathing mechanism (That does not seem to even make a difference in his breathing), then at the end of the film some guy wearing bubble mask claims to be Cobra Commander, but it's not what we've known him to look and sound like.


Having Cobra Commander wearing his trademark mask or hood would not take me away from the film. It would have been an improvement over what they did with the character. Worse yet they made him Baroness' younger brother? What? Further insult to injury, the Baroness isn't , Anastasia DeCobray nor a true brunette nor does she have hertradmark accent, but instead she's an American blonde named Anna Lewis, whom was Duke's fiancée. I repeat, what?


Then we have Zartan. He is not a Dreadnok, he doesn’t wear face paint nor does he live in a swamp, he no longer suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia and Multiple Personality Disorder. He can no longer imitate anyone he wishes to with exact physical and vocal likeness (until after-his nanite surgery.) This was previously done through a mixture of holograms, illusions and hypnosis. Zartan in the comics and cartoons was fluent in twenty languages and dialects, a ventriloquist, an expert martial artist, and a master archer . In the film, he was reduced to an exaggerated cameo role involving a man who loves to kill people for the fun of it. The only Cobra member I was pleased with was Storm Shadow, and even then they didn't get right.


Next up the Joes. It was actually nice seeing the PIT. General Hawk came off more like flint to me, than Hawk. I even mistook him for flint during his first few minutes of screen time. It was probably due to him dressing like Flint. Heavy Duty, came off of as just a team leader, wasn't Duke supposed to lead.. Wait, back up. Wasn't Duke supposedto bring everyone on the Joe team, in this film they bring him into the program, not the other way around. Oh well, I digress. Ripcord, what where they thinking? What was wrong with Stalker.. even if they had to change his name, they could have at least modeled a character after him. Once more, oh well. Cover Girl why was she even in the film if they planned on killer her off so quick, why not just make that an nondescript Joe instead? Scarlett, okay I was actually pleased with her role. I can't complain about Snake-Eyes.. not much anyway. He's man that does not speak, yet his mask has lips. [B]Lips.[/B] Why lips? Breaker was also, okay. I would have proffered mainframe in that role.


Now onto the film itself. It was horrible, most of that is blamed on bad dialog, the cheesy unnecessary moments, of which included flashback sequences, the worst part .... is the McGuffin device involving the nanites. The McGuffin device used in the animated series' episode "Once Upon a Joe" was better than this excuse. I'd understand if it was just the warheads, but its use in everything else is excessive. Why do we need them to be used for the viper soldiers, why use it to make Zartan's camo ability, or even Destro's mask. It was over done.


The fight scenes that mattered were too short. The ones that didn't matter were too long, the chase sequences moved too fast and were too busy for anyone to take note of, let along know who's who or what's what. The "b" plot or sub plot of Zartan becoming the President of the United States was lame. He was all about wealth not power. Why the President anyway, why not someone with more money? Also What's with those magical Accelerator suits?Did they really need to incorporate those into the movie? I don't think they enhanced or furthered the story any.


Where were Crimson Twins, I mean wasn't most of Cobra funded by their company Extensive Enterprises? Where was Lady Jaye, Flint and the other cool characters? If they would have based the film on the comics or cartoon, it would have been successful.
Instead they may as well rename the film G.I. Joe: Fall of a Franchise. I can only hope that this movie does not make Hasbro end the line. The comics a great, the action figures especially the 25th anniversary figures are amazing, the dvd sales of the cartoon are strong, but this movie is a huge blow to the series.


I give this film one of five stars.


What did all of you think of the film?